Reality Bite #1

Sometimes in this blog I will be brutally honest. Judge, don't judge, whatever. I think being honest with myself (and you) not only motivates me to do better, but also I know that as moms, we keep a lot inside. And sometimes what we keep inside starts to become destructive and we explode, or we bury frustrations in our vices, or make stupid mistakes that only seem to make difficult situations more irritating.

Now, quickly, let me assure you last week wasn't THAT bad. Chalk it up to hormones gone awry, or the fact that I was totally unmotivated to exercise and my whole household was infested with pink eye and bad colds, or that it was just one of those times where the world was not meshing, but last week was a rotten one in our household. I yelled a lot. There were a lot of tears shed - some by the kids, some by me. I felt lazy and resentful towards things that usually I enjoy.  I could have been a better, stronger person last week. I know I could have been a better mom and wife.

Were there parts of last week that went wrong or were legitimately frustrating? Absolutely - 3 of us woke up Friday morning with bad pink eye (myself, the baby and Jenna), Tim had put in another crazy week at the office (my gripes on this are for another blog rant), I was trying to figure out how to budget in some unexpected expenses, and I was simply not where I needed to be at the end of the week (think piles of laundry, dishes, a messy car, a crazy dog with cabin fever, and a seemingly endless list of to-do's). You've been there. In the midst of our crazy Friday morning while I was trying to get some important papers together to mail and make sure we were ready for school and our just-scheduled emergency doctor's appointment, Kaitlyn made the double-foul that was the game changer. I caught her in a blatant lie AND she didn't finish her homework which she had assured me had been finished much earlier in the week. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was furious and said a lot of angry things out of extreme frustration.  She was super upset and frazzled but we had to pick up the pieces and get in the car and get to school on time (with aforementioned homework not finished) with a lot of the issues vented but unresolved. Jenna and Matt, who were not feeling great, were walking on eggshells as they could see that I was barely keeping it together.

And then the guilt set in.

Self therapy analysis: Dropping off K at school after a fight like we had was setting her up to fail. Did she have the confidence or focus to do well on her spelling test and school work? Did she know that I love her no matter what and that I believe in her and want her to be strong and confident and happy? Hell no. Unlike a Dora or Bubble Guppies episode, our issues were not ironed out in a half hour with a little song. She went to school as frustrated and upset as I was. I can only imagine the ugly thoughts she had about me in her little head. As I said, it was unfair. Although honesty and school work are top priorities and she was in the wrong, that morning should not have played out like it did. And that was my fault. I am the adult, the example, the mom. And so my feelings of anger gradually diffused into questions of why I was really so mad at the world. And after a lot of thought, I admitted to myself that the whole week had been really off balance for me. I was in the "mom funk" of a million little things building up and eating at me until I blew. Well done me.

Tim and I used to have a rule when the girls were babies - that if we were ever angry or sad or felt crazy, we would put the baby down and go compose ourselves before we held them again.  When K was tiny, this rule was steadfast and necessary. I was working full-time and trying to get a baby to & from daycare, etc. and Tim was in law school full time and getting his Master's in Taxation (super nerd, I know). We had a teeny house, no money, and had a crazy string of bad luck with appliances, cars breaking down, and family drama. So when either of us got home, we would kiss the baby hello and then take 15 minutes to pull ourselves together (grab a quick shower, change clothes, go water the garden - whatever it took to reset and clear our minds a little). Although our counterpart would be anxious and needing to hand off the baby, it was the understanding that by giving the other these few precious minutes to transition, then none of the anxiousness and craziness from our adult lives would transfer to K. I have no idea if it worked but it seemed awesome in theory and makes for a nice story.

I can't remember the last time I really took that 15 minutes to unwind (and I didn't feel like I shouldn't be doing something else more productive). Although exercising is an awesome way for me to clear my head and get my blood flowing, I feel like it is also a means for me to rev my day into go-go-go speed and I expect my family to keep up. I know I am not alone in this fault. My sweet mom even said to me a few months ago, "I couldn't be a mom today. You hold yourself to all sorts of expectations that I never had to." This from MY mom (and those of you who know her can attest) who is the very paradigm of a woman who did it all - four kids with a million activities, an amazing volunteer/non-profit career, head of the PTA, the consummate cook/cleaner/housewife, a huge supporter of my father's career and more. I think in all honesty we, as women and mothers, are the products of several generations of over-achievers and glass-ceiling-breakers now under the stressful and constant eye of Facebook and Pinterest.

The reality is we can only keep that speed and the illusion going for so long. Especially as kiddos get older, bigger and more important balls begin to drop (in this case it was my sanity and a few incompletes on a 2nd grade report card). Friday afternoon, I owned up and tried to repair the damage. K was still "grounded" and on suspension from television/computer/i-pod and had to devote her time all weekend to reading for AR tests or working on her book report due in a few weeks or cleaning chores, but I admitted that while I was really hurt and frustrated, that my behaviour and temper were out of line. Mostly, I was sorry and wanted to do better and we talked about mistakes both of us had made throughout the week that led us to the breaking point. I'm hoping that some of the repair-work might keep her out of therapy later in life.

As a mom, there are a thousand things we are in charge of and unsaid expectations that we hold ourselves to, even when we are exhausted and on the brink of breakdown. And sometimes we have to pick ourselves back up. Readjust our expectations and find the energy to do better. There are little people involved and dependent on us, and when your sh*@ hits the fan, it makes their world miserable which is unfair. So that is where I am at right now. Starting a new week. Getting my diet and routine and lists back in a row. Fitting a shower in when I can. And trying to take a few minutes each day to unplug and close my eyes. It's not a fix-all but I'm trying to do better. And with my chin up, this WILL be a better week.